Summary: There’s a sentence I’ve heard in executive team meetings, family businesses, and coaching conversations for decades: “That’s just how I am.” That sentence is almost guaranteed to shut down conversation and creativity for good. Here is another way to think and respond.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
My leadership team is stuck in an “either/or” argument about whether real change is possible within all of us. Most are on the side of, “That’s just how I am; I won’t change.” Then, when I offer ways to better leadership by becoming more self-aware, they smile and say, “Remember, we told you, that’s just how we are.”
What can I say to get them to think beyond this superficial answer?
Signed,
Always Changing
Better to Accept Change and Get Unstuck
Dear Always Changing,
I am glad you are offering your team helpful ways to move into uncharted territory. With all the turmoil in the world, becoming more self-aware is more than necessary. Let’s dig right in. When someone says, “That’s just how I am,” it sounds innocent. Even self-aware.
Consider the following phrases you might have heard before:
- “I’m impatient. That’s just how I am.”
- “I hate conflict, and always will.”
- “I’m a perfectionist. Why would I want to change?”
- “I need to be in control.”
- “I tell it like it is.”
These are often code for “I’ve stopped questioning my behavior,” and that can get expensive.
Maybe That’s Not Who You Are
What if the behavior you call your “personality” is actually something you learned a long time ago? Before you had a title, a team, or a résumé, you belonged to your first organization: your family. That’s where you began learning about power, approval, conflict, competition, belonging, and trust. Maybe being the responsible one got you praise. Perhaps being funny lowered the tension, or staying quiet kept the peace. Did achievement get attention, or taking care of everyone make you feel needed?
Guess what? Those strategies worked, so you kept them. Then you grew up, built a career, became a leader, and those old behaviors came along for the ride. They just got better vacations and a LinkedIn profile.
When a Strength Starts Running the Show
This is where leadership gets interesting. The good behavior you think is working may fall down a rabbit hole. For example, Super-Achievers who deliver extraordinary results may eventually become unable to delegate. Rescuers who save the day may create a team that waits to be saved. Pleasers who keep everyone happy may avoid the very conversation everyone needs. Avoiders who appear calm may simply be hoping the problem disappears.
Here is a new way to think about your patterns: A strength used consciously is an asset; a strength used automatically can become a liability. That’s the distinction many leaders miss.
The next time you hear yourself say, “That’s just how I am,” replace it with a question: “When did I learn that this was how I needed to be?”
Now we’re getting somewhere. You don’t need to criticize the old behavior. It probably helped you once, but you must decide whether it still deserves the keys to the car. Self-aware leadership isn’t about eliminating every old pattern (good luck with that); it’s about catching yourself soon enough to say, “There I go again.”
That tiny moment creates something powerful: choice. And sometimes the first GLIMMER is simply the realization that you don’t have to do things the same way anymore. So my challenge for you this week is to listen when you want to say, “That’s just how I am…” and finish the sentence with, “…until I choose differently.”
Because who you learned to be may explain your behavior. It doesn’t have to determine your future.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
