Summary: We hear these phrases everywhere. “She’s toxic.” “He’s impossible.” “Stay away from people like that.” Social media is overflowing with advice about identifying toxic people, avoiding toxic relationships, and eliminating toxic employees. Sometimes that advice is necessary. Abuse, manipulation, and repeated harmful behavior should never be ignored or tolerated. But what if the label “toxic” keeps us from seeing what’s really happening beneath the surface?
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I know you believe self-awareness is the foundation of great leadership. I need some help looking at my part in the situation. Here’s what is going on: I have someone in my life who constantly criticizes, blames, and attacks. Everything feels like a competition, and somehow I’m always the one who ends up apologizing.
I’ve tried explaining myself, defending myself, and staying silent. I’ve even said, “I hear you. Let’s stop here.” Nothing changes. If anything, it seems to make things worse. How do I respond without becoming just another player in the same GOTCHA game?
Signed,
Reaching OUT
Stop Labeling and Start Getting Curious
Dear Reaching OUT,
Let’s begin somewhere vital for solving this problem. Not with them, but with you, and not because you’re the problem. At the core, you’re the only person whose pattern you can change.
The first question should never be, “How do I fix this toxic person?” Start with, “What pattern am I seeing?” That one question changes everything. The moment we label someone as “toxic,” curiosity disappears. The conversation ends and growth stops. We stay in the place of polarities, of yes or no, good or bad, you or me.
Instead of asking what is driving the behavior, we assume the behavior defines the person. That’s rarely true. After coaching leaders and executive teams for more than 35 years, I’ve discovered something remarkable: most difficult behavior isn’t random; it’s patterned.
Here is a more effective systems thinking approach to resolving issues with toxic individuals. Sometimes, when we have to get out of a tight parking space, we have to back up before we can go forward. Let’s do that now. Start by considering the fact that everyone’s first organization wasn’t work; our first organization was our family. That’s where we learned how to deal with conflict, criticism, disappointment, success, and rejection. Those lessons became our leadership operating system. Our head, heart, and gut reacted. Under pressure, we don’t suddenly become someone new, but we revert to earlier ways we learned to stay safe and survive.
The Pattern You Miss Is Usually Your Own
Here’s where real leadership begins. The biggest pattern to notice isn’t theirs. It’s yours. I know I say this often. It needs repeating to find a place in our very crowded internal systems. Which of the following resonates with you?
Do you become the:
- rescuer/pleaser
- avoider
- super-achiever
- persecutor/bully
Every pattern developed for a reason. The question is, does it still serve you today?
>> Take my Leadership Pattern quiz and discover the pattern secretly running you behind the scenes!
The Moment That Changes Everything
In GLIMMERS at Work, I describe a GLIMMER as the tiny moment of awareness between the trigger and the reaction. It’s the instant you notice your old pattern beginning to take over. Then you pause, breathe, become curious instead of defensive, ask instead of accuse, listen instead of preparing your comeback.
That tiny pause is where leadership is born. You are no longer playing the GOTCHA game.
Here’s What Most People Miss
Difficult relationships are not transformed by winning. You transform them by refusing to repeat the pattern. Someone else’s criticism does not require your defensiveness. If another is angry, you don’t have to withdraw, and a bully does not require your surrender.
When one person changes the pattern, the entire relationship shifts. Sometimes the other person changes or, they don’t. Either way, you do. And that’s where your power has always been.
Your GLIMMERS Effect™ Exercise for This Week
Before calling someone “toxic,” ask yourself three questions:
- What pattern am I observing?
- What pattern am I automatically stepping into?
- What would happen if I chose a different response this time?
That’s the beginning of pattern awareness and the beginning of self-aware leadership. That’s how workplaces and relationships begin to heal.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. Think of a “toxic” person in your life. Now ask yourself a different question: What pattern keeps showing up between the two of you? I’d love to hear your answer, call (570) 233-1042 for a private talk with me.
