“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” — Richard Feynman
Summary: Everyone talks about self-awareness. It has become one of leadership’s favorite buzzwords. Executives say they value it. Organizations build training programs around it. Coaches promise to develop it. Yet the intentions fall short with this one question: how to know if you’re truly self-aware? Read on to find the answer.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Being self-aware takes the top spot in today’s leadership coaching arena. My team has done several workshops to learn about and become self-aware. Yet, when conflict is intense, they become angry and defensive. Self-awareness sounds so good, like a warm comfy blanket on a chilly day.
I know your book, GLIMMERS at Work: The Self-Aware Leaders Advantage, sounds all ‘glimmery’ and helpful. Yet, I want some thoughts about why I should buy your book for my staff if it is just another “flavor of the week.”
Signed,
Skeptical
Self-Awareness in Leadership: What Really Matters When Life Doesn’t Go Your Way
Dear Skeptical,
You are asking the right question. And please know that reading the book is a starting point, but doing the work is a whole other story. Yes, being self-aware is wonderful. I could add so many adjectives here. However, in my experience, it takes time and strength training to develop the muscle memory to be self-aware when it really matters.
It is not whether you believe you are or whether others think you are. It is especially not whether you’ve taken personality assessments or attended leadership workshops. The real question is, “What happens when life doesn’t go your way?”
That is where self-awareness either appears, or disappears.
Stress Tells the Truth
I’ve worked with leaders for more than thirty-five years and I’ve noticed something fascinating: most people look remarkably self-aware when things are going well. Think about your own team and how they respond when projects are on schedule; the team is cooperative, and customers are happy. Almost anyone can appear calm under those conditions.
People change when there is pressure, and pressure changes everything.
Consider a missed deadline, a harsh email or a team meeting that ends on a sour note. Then at home a spouse or partner says with barbs in their voice, “We need to talk.” Suddenly being self-aware takes on a whole new meaning.
In fact, that is when your nervous system takes over. And guess what? Your reaction arrives long before your reasoning. Please note: that is not weakness. It is biology. And that is when my book shows you the way. Look, you still have to practice and practice to get it right. Once is not enough.
The question is not whether you be triggered. You will be triggered. The question is: can you recognize it before it starts running your life?
Here Are Five Signs You Are Becoming Truly Self-Aware
- You notice your reactions before you justify them.
Instead of immediately explaining why someone else is wrong, you become curious about what is happening inside you. You pause and ask yourself, “Why did that comment affect me so strongly?”
That pause changes everything.
- You become curious instead of defensive.
Defensiveness is one of the clearest signals that an old pattern has been activated. Self-aware leaders don’t pretend they never become defensive. They simply recognize it sooner.
- You hear feedback without immediately preparing your defense.
Feedback is difficult because it often bumps into old stories we have carried for years. The leader who is growing asks, “Tell me more” instead of, “Yes, but…” You ask rather than react.
- You begin noticing patterns instead of isolated events.
One disagreement is simply a disagreement. Five similar disagreements may be a pattern. Self-aware leaders stop asking, “Why does this always happen to me?” Instead they ask, “What part am I consistently playing?” That question changes victims into learners.
- People feel safer telling you the truth.
This may be the greatest test of all.
Ask yourself:
- Do people disagree with me?
- Are they challenging my ideas?
- Or do they tell me only what they think I want to hear?
If people consistently avoid difficult conversations with you, the issue may not be them. It may be you.
The Mirror We Miss
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is this: we cannot see our own blind spots. If we could, they wouldn’t be blind spots.
Here is one of the biggest blind spots we can overcome. Remember that our first organization is our family. Long before we entered the workplace, we learned how to respond to stress.
Some of us became pleasers. Others became super-achievers. Some learned to rescue. Others avoided conflict completely.
Those patterns often worked brilliantly when we were children. Many quietly sabotage us as adults. Without awareness, we repeat them. With awareness, we can rewrite them.
The GLIMMERS Effect™
This is why I created The GLIMMERS Effect™. Most leadership programs teach people what to do. The GLIMMERS Effect™ teaches leaders how to notice what is happening before they react.
A GLIMMER is that tiny moment when you suddenly recognize, “There I go again.” It may last only a second. But that second creates a choice. And every meaningful change begins with one conscious choice.
One Question to Ask Yourself Today
The next time someone frustrates you, don’t begin by asking, “What’s wrong with them?” Instead ask, “What is this situation trying to teach me about myself?”
That single question has transformed leaders, marriages, families, and organizations. Because real self-awareness isn’t about seeing yourself as perfect. It’s about seeing yourself clearly, and clarity is where lasting leadership begins.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
Reflection: Where in your life have you recently caught yourself reacting before thinking? What GLIMMER helped you pause—and what changed because of it? I’d love to hear your story and send you the introduction of my new book.
