Summary: It’s not a poor strategy or a lack of talent. It’s that most teams are quietly re-creating their families of origin… with a bigger budget and worse snacks. Here are the main reasons why conflict takes so much time to resolve. Hint: We spend too much effort looking at the obvious and blaming others. It’s better to look inside ourselves first and bring the invisible to the light of day.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I am a leadership and team coach at a large corporation. You often talk about how excessive conflict and extreme stress cost the work world billions of dollars a year.
In fact, I agree.
I want to start a program here to go, as you say, beyond the obvious of “JUBLA” (judgement, blame, and attack) to a more cohesive and psychologically safe environment.
Ideas please.
Signed,
Constant Learner
It Is Possible To Make The Invisible Visible
Dear Constant Learner,
Great question. I know that “JUBLA” is the way of much of the world right now. And yes, it is costly to the workplace’s bottom line.
It is so much easier to “JUBLA” and spend time judging, blaming, and attacking. There is more courage needed to look inside yourself.
So, let me give you some thoughts to get those positive GLIMMERS going in your organization.
These are the most common invisible dynamics I see:
The Fear of Not Being Enough
It shows up as perfectionism, micromanaging, over-functioning, and burnout dressed up as dedication. People stop telling the truth because they’re busy trying to look impressive.
Unconscious Role-playing Gets In The Way of Success
Every workplace has the pleaser and peacemaker who avoids conflict, the rebel who resists everything, and the hero, super achiever, who saves the day and resents it later.
At that point, you don’t have a team, you have a dysfunctional family reunion with email signatures.
The Silence Agreement Creates Dissention
Everyone knows what the real issue is, and no one names it. So gossip becomes the real communication system, and trust dies quietly in texts or in the breakroom.
Emotional Time Travel Exists
People aren’t reacting to their boss today; they’re reacting to authority figures from decades ago. Old frustration, old fear, old power struggles… all showing up in a budget meeting.
So How Do Leaders Surface What’s Invisible?
You stop asking only for performance and start asking about patterns.
Instead of, “What’s the problem?” ask,
“What keeps repeating around here?”
You treat their gut as intelligence, not inconvenience.
For example, that tightening in your stomach during a meeting? That’s not anxiety, that’s information.
You name what others tiptoe around:
- “We keep circling decisions.”
- “It doesn’t feel safe to be honest in this room.”
- “We solve crises better than we build trust.”
And most importantly, you model unfinished business.
When a leader says, “I notice I shut down when things get tense, and I’m working on it,” the room exhales. That’s permission to grow up instead of armor up.
Because here’s the real deal:
You don’t fix culture with policies.
You fix it by helping people complete the patterns they keep repeating, or those patterns will keep running your company behind your back.
Read “Invisible Stress” to get a handle on your own patterns and ways to alleviate over-the-top stress. And look for my new book “GLIMMERS At Work: The New Leadership Operating System for Head, Heart, & Gut” to be out soon.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. No time to read? Take one of these quizzes and find out what your primary patterns are when stress hits the hot button.
