Summary: What if the employee who keeps reverting to old behaviors isn’t failing to change, but is actually showing the first signs of transformation? Discover how recognizing the small GLIMMERS of progress can help leaders balance accountability with patience, avoid triggering old patterns, and allow space for meaningful growth to take hold.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I have a talented employee who always trips over himself. By that I mean his intentions are pure, yet at times he reverts to ineffective behavior. We finally sat down and had a truth-telling session, not to make him feel bad, but to help him see how his actions were sabotaging his success (and that of our team).
He said he understood and would “do better.” However, one week later, there it is again. And a week later, again. I would rather help him grow, and yet I keep thinking I should talk with him about resigning or simply fire him. I heard you were planning to write a book called “Fix ‘Em, Don’t Fire ‘Em.” Have you, or are you still planning to write it?
In any case, I would appreciate your comments about this frustrating matter.
Signed,
Compassionate Leader
Change Rarely Happens on Command
Dear Compassionate Leader,
I actually have a new book coming out soon; same advice, different title (see more below). I do believe we would all rather help our employees grow than “go.”
We all have our moments of frustration with those we work with. It starts as a missed deadline or a defensive response. Perhaps someone has a tendency to interrupt, or a reluctance to speak up when it matters most. Then there are those who need to control every detail.
Whatever the behavior is, you find yourself thinking: We talked about this. Why am I not seeing a difference? Before you have the same conversation over again, consider another possibility. Wait.
Something May Already Be Changing
One of the biggest misunderstandings about leadership is that insight automatically creates new behavior. It doesn’t.
A person can completely understand your feedback and still fall back into an old response, especially under pressure. That’s because many workplace behaviors aren’t simply habits we picked up last Tuesday. They are patterns that have been rehearsed for years.(opens in new tab)
The employee who becomes defensive may have learned long ago that criticism meant danger. Some say yes to everything, having learned that pleasing people kept the peace. Others double-check everyone’s work, because control may have become their way of managing uncertainty.
And then you, the leader, come along and say, “I need you to do this differently.” They may sincerely agree. But agreement isn’t transformation.
Watch for the GLIMMER
This is where leaders need patience, but not passive patience. Pay attention. Perhaps the employee still interrupts, but catches themselves and says, “Sorry. Go ahead.” That’s a GLIMMER.
There may be a time when they start defending themselves, pause, and say, “Let me think about what you’re telling me.” That’s a GLIMMER.
Or they miss another deadline but come to you first and say, “I see what I did. I’m changing how I’m organizing this.” That’s a GLIMMER.
The finished behavior may not be there yet, but awareness is beginning to interrupt the pattern. And that interruption matters.
The process often looks like this: Trigger → Pattern → Pause → Ugly Middle → Choice → GLIMMER
That Ugly Middle is especially important. It’s the uncomfortable territory where someone can see the old behavior, but they haven’t fully integrated the new one yet. They may stumble. They may get it right on Monday and revert on Wednesday. Don’t confuse imperfect progress with no progress at all.
Leaders Can Ruin the Magic by Moving Too Fast
This is the tricky part. When we don’t see results quickly enough, our own patterns get triggered.
Super-Achievers think: Come on. Let’s fix this.
Pleasers think: Maybe I wasn’t clear enough.
Persecutors ruminate: How many times do I have to tell you?
Rescuers figure: I’ll just do it myself.
And suddenly, the employee’s pattern and the leader’s pattern are dancing together again. Instead, try something more difficult: Stay curious a little longer. You might say, “I’ve noticed you’re working on what we discussed. I also know changing an automatic response takes time. What’s becoming clearer to you?”
That question does something another lecture cannot. It puts responsibility for the change back where it belongs, with the employee, while letting them know you see the effort.
Waiting Does Not Mean Lowering the Bar
Patience is not permission for endless poor performance. There is still a need for expectations, accountability, and eventually measurable change. But there is also a difference between someone who doesn’t care and someone who is genuinely wrestling with an old way of operating. Read that sentence again, please. Good leaders learn to recognize that difference.
Sometimes the most important leadership move isn’t another conversation, another reminder, or another corrective action. Sometimes it is creating enough space for the first conversation to take root. Because real behavioral change can be quiet before it becomes visible.
So when you’ve said what needs to be said, the employee has heard you, and you sense a genuine desire to change, resist the temptation to keep pulling up the seed to see whether it’s growing. Just wait for the magic of growth. Watch for the pause, the self-correction, the moment when an old pattern almost takes over, but doesn’t.
That’s where the magic begins. That’s the GLIMMER.
One more thought: Think about planting beautiful flowers in your yard. You give them the right soil, light, and temperature, and then… you wait. If the environment is good, they will grow. It is the destiny of each of us to grow and become the best we can be. However, demanding growth can cause unnecessary stress. Enough said!
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. Read more about this in my upcoming book GLIMMERS at Work: The Self-Aware Leader’s Advantage. Want a free copy of the introduction? Get it here! (opens in new tab)
