Summary: There are moments in life when everything feels uncertain. Your company restructures. Perhaps your marriage cracks or your child pulls away. War begins, or the market collapses. You may get a difficult health diagnosis. A fire burns through your town. An election divides a family. AI changes how people work overnight. And suddenly, what looked stable no longer feels stable at all. This is where leadership is truly tested. Read on to see how this applies to your personal life and leadership story, and what to do in those tough times.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I was thinking about when you told your life story during the Total Leadership Connections Program and how so much in your life changed on the outside in a week. More importantly was how you had to make so many shifts internally. And even more, how all of this moved you to create The GLIMMERS Effect.
I am, at this moment, going through my own “everything is upside down” moment, both at work and at home.
The restructuring at my company has left me jobless. It was fast and fatal. They laid off over one-third of the employees, and we are all in that proverbial deer-in-the-headlights phase of processing this sudden change, and also the lack of humanity in the way it was handled.
My son, the smart one, just announced he is not going back to college after his second semester is done in a few weeks. And yes, it is a trifecta. My wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will need an operation in the next few months.
I, as the major breadwinner in the family and the “strong” man, am starting to sink. You seem to be so positive and willing to help others find a better balance point. I would love some help sorting everything out.
Signed,
In the Middle of a Mess
Pressure Magnifies Unfinished Patterns
Dear In the Middle,
You are in the middle of what has so many names. Let’s just call it a tough time. Naming it more than that can make you feel even worse. Look, feelings of desperation and depression show up like an uninvited virus in everyone’s life. They do not show up during calm. Upset sneaks in and can then be called a crisis.
Yet most people misunderstand what a crisis actually does. They think a crisis creates dysfunction, fear, anger, avoidance, or chaos. It does not.
Crisis reveals the patterns already living beneath the surface.
That is why two people can experience the same stressful event and respond in completely different ways. One becomes calm and focused. Another becomes reactive or controlling. One reaches toward others. Another shuts down completely. The difference is not intelligence. The difference is in their patterns.
And those patterns are shaped by three powerful forces: Family. Culture. Crisis.
These forces quietly shape how we think, react, communicate, trust, lead, love, and survive. Most of us never stop to examine them. We simply live them.
Family: Your First Leadership Training Ground
Long before you entered the workplace, you entered a family system. Family was your first organization. This is where you learned how conflict is handled, whether emotions are safe, and who gets heard. There are many who stay silent, thinking love is conditional, and mistakes are punished. This was when you decided whether stress creates closeness or distance.
You learned roles without anyone formally teaching them.
Perhaps you became the Pleaser because tension in the house felt dangerous.
Many became the Super-Achiever because success brought acknowledgment.
Some of you learned to disappear emotionally, becoming an Avoider, because speaking up caused conflict.
Children adapt brilliantly, but the adaptations that helped us survive early in life often become the very patterns that limit us later. Then adulthood arrives.
And suddenly those same patterns show up in meeting rooms, partnerships, marriages, parenting, and executive leadership teams. The leader who avoids difficult conversations may not have a communication problem. They may have learned early that conflict was unsafe.
The executive who micromanages everyone may not simply be “demanding.” They may have grown up in unpredictability and learned that control felt safer than trust.
Here is the most important thought: what we do not examine, we repeat.
Culture: The Water We Swim In
While family shapes the internal system, culture shapes the external one. Culture teaches us what, in our part of the world, is rewarded, feared, admired, or rejected.
Some cultures reward toughness and emotional silence. Others reward overwork and exhaustion disguised as success. Some celebrate individualism while quietly starving people for genuine connection.
Right Now, Many Leaders Are Drowning in Mixed Messages
Be productive but also balanced. Better to be authentic, but never weak. Move faster but avoid mistakes. Stay connected but remain constantly available. And now, embrace AI, but somehow remain deeply human.
No wonder people are overwhelmed.
Culture moves fast. Human nervous systems do not. This is why so many people live in a near-constant state of stress activation without realizing it. Their bodies never fully exhale. And when stress becomes chronic, patterns become amplified.
Avoiders avoid more.
Persecutors/Bullies attack harder.
Clowns use jokes to escape discomfort.
Pleasers over-function to hold everyone together.
Pressure magnifies unfinished patterns.
>> Discover your own pattern here with my Leadership Style quiz
Crisis: The Great Revealer
Then comes crisis. Take your pick. There are personal crises, organizational crises, and global crises. Crisis strips away performance masks. Under pressure, people do not rise to their best intentions. They fall back into their most familiar survival patterns.
This is why intelligent, accomplished leaders can suddenly become reactive, defensive, rigid, or emotionally unavailable during difficult times. The nervous system is trying to protect them.
Years ago, after my father died unexpectedly from a heart attack when I was fourteen years old. I remember feeling something I could not explain at the time: shock.
It felt as if I inhaled but could not fully exhale. Outwardly, life continued. Inwardly, part of me remained braced for more loss.
Later, I understood how deeply that experience shaped my behavior. I became highly attuned to other people’s emotions and needs. I did not want to upset anyone. Somewhere beneath awareness was the fear that conflict, disappointment, or emotional disruption could lead to abandonment or loss again.
The Pleaser became one of my major patterns. And yet, when I couldn’t please others, I became a loud, annoying drama queen wanting to be heard. Back then, I didn’t have the tools to find the GLIMMERS, I just made myself and those around me miserable.
That is how patterns form. Not because we are broken, but because we adapted.
And many people today are carrying unresolved shock beneath the surface:
- grief
- uncertainty
- layoffs
- financial fear
- political division
- climate anxiety
- collective exhaustion
- rapid technological change
Chaos is what we see on the outside. Shock is often what people carry on the inside.
The GLIMMER in the Middle of Crisis
This is why I created The GLIMMERS Effect™.
A GLIMMER is a moment of awareness that interrupts automatic reaction. It is a pause, a deep breath, then a choice. Not perfection. And not pretending stress does not exist. It’s the moment you notice, “I am reacting from an old pattern right now.”
That awareness changes everything.
Because when awareness enters the system, choice becomes possible. Instead of blaming, you become curious. Rather than attacking, you pause. Instead of shutting down, you stay present long enough to respond consciously.
This is the new leadership operating system the world needs now. Not leadership built only on strategy and performance, but leadership that integrates head, heart, and gut.
Leadership capable of navigating uncertainty without spreading fear. Leadership that understands patterns repeat until they are completed.
The Future Will Belong to Pattern-Aware Leaders
We are entering a time of profound transformation. AI will continue to reshape work. Global instability will continue to test resilience.
Pressure will continue to expose hidden fractures in people and systems. Technical skill alone will not be enough.
The leaders who thrive will be the ones who can:
- regulate themselves under stress
- recognize reactive patterns early
- build trust during uncertainty
- create psychological safety
- stay human in a rapidly changing world
Family. Culture. Crisis. These forces shape all of us. But they do not have to control us.
The moment we become aware of the patterns beneath our reactions, a new possibility emerges. That possibility is the GLIMMER. And sometimes, one small GLIMMER is enough to change an entire life, team, family, or culture.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: Take the Leadership Quiz to begin the journey to find your GLIMMERS. Keep going and keep growing.
