Summary: Most leadership programs promise change. Better communication. Stronger teams. Less conflict. And for a while, things improve. Then stress hits, and everything snaps back. Why? Because most leadership work focuses on behavior. But behavior is just the surface. Underneath every reaction, every conflict, every miscommunication, there is a pattern. And if you don’t complete the pattern, you will repeat it.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I want to move from being a reactor to a responder.
However, it is not as easy as snapping my fingers and saying I want to change. When there is conflict at work, my avoider pattern shows up as a voice in my head saying, “Careful, you will be fired if you speak out.” It reminds me of my childhood pattern of being sent to my room (over and over) when I challenged my parents. Eventually, I learned it was best to stay quiet or leave an argument as soon as possible.
Therefore, I still do that ingrained, outdated behavior at work. And, I might add, in my relationship with my wife.
Everyone thinks they win when I shut down. They think I agree. I don’t. I just stop and sadly, there is no winner. My skills are wasted because I zone out.
What can I do to break the pattern?
Signed,
Ready for The New
The Missing Link in Leadership Today
Dear Ready for The New,
Good for you being ready for a new way. Let’s start with a great example of pattern repetition. Let’s say you quit your last job because you had a finger-pointing, demanding boss. “Never again,” you said to yourself. Thus, you joined another company where you were told conflict was minimal and your boss was fun and easy going. Yet, not long into the new job your boss showed her finger-pointing demanding side. You are ready to quit again. You may have this same thing happen in another job. This may keep happening over and over. You see, the pattern is not about them, it is about YOU.
For example, it’s about the fear of resolving conflict that came with you from the time you were getting ready to go to school: avoid conflict, or be in trouble. Therefore, unless you take the time to change your mindset, you will forever be trapped by your patterns. Like most leaders, you will continue to move fast when under pressure and be constantly triggered.
And when that happens, you don’t choose. If your pattern is to avoid and walk away from conflict, not resolve it, your pattern chooses for you.
That’s why even the most skilled leaders fall prey to their invisible childhood patterns:
- overwork (Super Achiever)
- avoid tough conversations (Avoider)
- people-please (Pleaser)
- criticize or blame (Persecutor/Bully)
Not because you lack skill. Because you lack pattern awareness.
Introducing the 5 Step GLIMMERS Leadership Flow™ Chart
This is not another leadership model. It’s a human operating system for real-time awareness and change.
Awareness is moving from Triggers to Glimmers.
Here’s how it works.
The 5 Steps to Transformation
- Trigger: Where it begins (but not where it started)
Something happens. A sharp tone, or a dismissive look. Perhaps a missed expectation. And suddenly, you feel it. Somewhere in your body there is tightness. An irritation. Or a sense of urgency. This is the trigger.
Most leaders stop here and react. This is where the old behavior, what I call JUBLA (judge, blame, or attack) takes hold.
It’s the way much of the world turns, EXCEPT ➔ great leaders go further.
- Pattern: The invisible driver (with a way OUT)
The trigger activates something deeper; a pattern learned long ago in your first organization: your family.
This is where the Pleaser says yes (and resents it later), the Avoider shuts down, or the Persecutor/Bully attacks. Often, the Super Achiever takes over. These reactions feel automatic, because they are. But here’s the shift: There is a way OUT.
The OUT Technique (inside the Pattern)
This is where awareness becomes action.
O: Observe
“What just happened?”
Notice your reaction in real time.
U: Understand
“Where have I felt this before?”
Connect the present moment to past patterns, family, culture, crises.
T: Transform
Pause the Pattern. Breathe. Interrupt the automatic response. Commit to change.
You don’t change in the trigger. You change in the pattern, when you find your way OUT.
- Glimmer: The moment everything shifts
When you move through the OUT Technique, something powerful happens. Your head (thinking), heart (feeling), and gut (instinct) come into alignment. You feel clearer, calmer, and more grounded. This is a GLIMMER.
Not loud. Not dramatic. But unmistakable. This is the moment of real leadership. But wait, there is more!
- The Ugly Middle: Where most people turn back
Now comes the hard part. You know what to do. But it feels uncomfortable to do it.
This is the Ugly Middle where tension between old habits and new choices lives. Fear makes you want to pull to go back to what’s familiar. Of course, there is doubt, hesitation, internal noise.
Most people fall back here. Not because they don’t know better, but because change feels harder than habit.
- Choice: Where transformation becomes real
This is the defining moment. Do you go back to the old pattern? Or move forward with awareness?
When you choose from alignment, not reaction, you build trust, reduce conflict, lead with clarity, and change your culture one moment at a time.
Why This Model Works (When Others Don’t)
Because it addresses the full human system:
- Trigger: what happens
- Pattern: (The Way OUT) how you interrupt it
- Glimmer: when alignment occurs
- Ugly Middle: where change is tested
- Choice: where transformation sticks
Here’s the bottom line: most leaders are trained to manage behavior. The best leaders learn to recognize and transform patterns.
You can’t outperform your patterns. But you can outgrow them.
A Final Reflection
The next time you feel triggered, pause. Ask yourself, “what pattern just got activated? Can I find my way OUT? What would a glimmer look like here? Because leadership isn’t built in the easy moments.
It’s built in the space between reaction and choice.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: If you’re ready to move from reacting to responding, from patterns to possibilities, start here ➔ take my Leadership Behavior Quiz to find your specific pattern(s), or email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com for a 1:1 strategy session.
