Summary: Let’s start with the truth most organizations quietly sidestep: conflict is not the problem. Avoidance is. In today’s workplace, teams are often trained, implicitly or explicitly, to keep things smooth, professional, and drama-free. On the surface, that sounds ideal. But underneath? Resentment builds. Conversations go underground. Misunderstandings calcify into narratives that no one names and everyone feels. Here are thoughts on what to do.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I MUST help my team become conflict-competent. Right now, it is conflict-avoidant.
Performance drops, not because my people lack talent, but because they lack ways to resolve tough issues.
I have made my meetings, as you suggest, like a Broadway play. There is a beginning where we scope out the issues. Then we get to discuss the underlying issues. And finally, to the resolution of what needs to change.
However, we are stuck in resolving what to do when things get uncomfortable.
At that point, some say “whatever” while others just smile and agree.
Everyone leaves with a sour look on their faces, and the “after-meetings” take place that lead to gossip and digs at each other.
I cannot make the changes alone.
The team will not last with the way they respond, and the Broadway play will soon shut down.
What am I missing?
Signed,
The Director
The Myth of the Perfect Team
Dear Director,
We are in agreement; there is no such thing as a team without conflict. In fact, the most innovative, resilient, and high-performing teams experience frequent friction.
Why? Because they care. And they challenge each other. In fact, they are willing to push beyond comfort.
The difference is not in whether breakdowns occur, it’s in how quickly and effectively teams repair them.
Avoidance delays progress. Repair accelerates it.
I always teach that “strong teams don’t avoid breakdowns; they repair them fast.”
What Happens When Teams Avoid Conflict
When teams sidestep conflict, predictable patterns emerge:
- Pleaser smooths things over, but nothing is actually resolved.
- Avoider withdraws, creating silence where clarity is needed.
- Persecutor/Bully eventually explodes after too much suppression.
- Victim feels unheard and disengages.
- Denier adamantly insists there is no problem.
Sound familiar?
These are not personality flaws. They are patterned responses, often rooted in family, culture, and past crises, that show up under stress. And when left unchecked, they turn small issues into systemic dysfunction.
Avoidance doesn’t eliminate conflict. It simply postpones and amplifies it.
Repair Is a Leadership Skill
Repair is not about apologizing for the sake of harmony. It’s about restoring trust, clarity, and forward momentum. High-functioning teams understand that rupture is inevitable—but repair is a choice.
Here’s what effective repair looks like:
- Name It, Without Blame
Strong teams don’t pretend everything is fine. They say, “Something felt off in that meeting.” Or, “I noticed tension between us, can we talk about it?” This is where awareness begins, moving from triggers to glimmers.
- Own Your Part
Repair requires self-responsibility.
Not: “You made me shut down.”
But: “When that happened, I noticed I shut down. That’s something I’m working on.”
This shift changes everything. It moves the conversation from accusation to accountability.
- Get Curious, Not Defensive
Curiosity is the bridge back to connection. Ask: “What was going on for you in that moment?” And add, “What did you need that didn’t happen?” Curiosity interrupts old patterns and opens space for new understanding.
- Reset Agreements
Repair is incomplete without realignment. What do we do differently next time? How do we communicate when pressure rises? Without this step, teams revisit the same conflict again and again.
The Speed of Repair Matters
Here’s where my quote becomes a game-changer (you may want to make a poster for this on the office wall).
“Strong teams don’t avoid breakdowns; they repair them fast.”
Speed matters because the longer tension lingers, the more stories people create. And more stories = more distance. Eventually, more distance means the harder the repair. Fast repair prevents emotional buildup and keeps teams aligned.
Think of it this way: Repair is the immune system of a healthy team.
The GLIMMERS Perspective
In the GLIMMERS framework, where head, heart, and gut align, repair happens when:
Head brings clarity: What actually happened?
Heart brings connection: How did it impact us?
Gut brings truth: What feels right moving forward?
When these three are in sync, teams don’t just fix problems; they transform how they relate to one another.
From Avoidance to Mastery
If you want a high-performing team, stop asking, “How do we avoid conflict?” and start asking, “How do we repair faster and better?”
Because the strongest teams are not the ones that never break. They are the ones who know how to come back, quickly, honestly, and stronger than before.
Final Thought
Conflict is not a sign that something is wrong. Avoidance is. And repair?
That’s where real leadership lives.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. Want a free copy of my book Seven Ways to Successful Group Dynamics? Send an email to sylvia@ceoptions.com and it’s yours.
