Summary: The world feels more divided than ever. Here are ways to think about healing the divide. Not easy, yet possible. The GLIMMERS Process needs us all to rethink our basic conflict strategies.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I am sad and curious at the same time.
It is a time of so much dissension and chaos.
At work, we tiptoe around what is on the news. I watch colleagues walk carefully around conversations about politics, values, and the future.
Even at home my family avoids certain topics at the dinner table. Also, I have warned my college age children to hesitate before posting online.
The distance isn’t just ideological. It’s emotional.
What advice can you offer during these difficult times?
Signed,
Healing Needed
When People Feel Unsafe, They Fall Into Predictable Patterns
Dear Healing Needed,
Underneath the headlines and the arguments are human nervous systems that feel threatened, unheard, and overwhelmed. In my work with leaders and organizations for more than 35 years, I have seen something important.
Older, often ingrained and outdated patterns of behavior start to re-sprout and grow. And those annoying old patterns are now playing out across our national conversations.
The good news is that there is a way forward. It begins with noticing what I call GLIMMERS.
The Patterns Behind the Divide
When conversations become heated, people often fall into familiar roles.
You can see them everywhere today: I have spent my career analyzing and transforming the most common patterns from family, culture, and crises that appear at work.
Here are seven of the key patterns that show up in leaders:
- Super achiever who knows what is best for everyone
- Persecutor/Bully who attacks and blames
- Victim who feels powerless and unheard
- Rescuer who jumps in to save or fix
- Pleaser who tries to smooth things over
- Avoider who refuses to engage
- Splitter who sees the world as “us vs. them”
These patterns are not random.
They come from what shaped us long before today’s debates. They are at the base of family, culture, and crises. When we are under stress, our nervous systems reach for what is familiar.
Instead of dialogue, we get reaction. Rather than curiosity, we get certainty. As a substitute of connection, we get distance.
Introducing GLIMMERS
A glimmer is a small moment of awareness.
It’s that subtle pause when something inside you whispers: “Wait… there might be another way to see this.”
Glimmers occur when the head, heart, and gut begin to work together.
Your head notices the story you are telling yourself, heart recognizes the emotional experience underneath the words, and gut senses whether something is aligned or off.
When these three centers are in conversation with one another, something powerful happens.
Reaction becomes reflection. And reflection opens the door to dialogue.
Why Divided Conversations Escalate So Quickly
Most of us were trained to rely on the head alone. Facts. Logic. Data. But human beings do not operate on facts alone. Our nervous systems are constantly scanning for safety. If someone challenges our beliefs, our body can interpret that as a threat.
Here is the result: our fight-flight-freeze patterns activate before our thinking brain even catches up.
This is why conversations that start calmly can escalate within minutes. What we think is disagreement is often nervous system protection. GLIMMERS help interrupt that automatic response.
The GLIMMERS Conversation Practice
Here is a simple process leaders, and families, can use when conversations feel tense.
1. Pause and Notice
Before responding, ask yourself:
What is happening in my head, heart, and gut right now? In other words, “What activates the trigger response?”
Is your heart racing?
Perhaps your gut tightens?
Often, your head is already forming a rebuttal?
That awareness alone can shift the tone.
2. Name the Pattern: Move to Awareness
Ask yourself:
Which pattern is showing up?
Am I becoming the persecutor?
The avoider?
The rescuer?
Patterns lose power the moment they are seen.
3. Become Curious Instead of Certain: Find the GLIMMER
Instead of saying:
“You’re wrong.”
Do this: “Help me understand how you see it.”
Curiosity lowers defenses. Certainty raises them.
4. Look for the Human Story
Behind every strong opinion is usually a story.
A family experience. Perhaps a cultural influence. Or a crisis someone lived through.
When people feel their story is heard, something remarkable happens.
Their nervous system settles.
A Glimmer I Saw Recently
Not long ago, I watched two colleagues who held completely different political views begin a conversation cautiously. At first, it sounded like every debate we see online.
Sharp words. Defensive tone.
Then one of them paused and said something simple.
“Before we argue, I want you to know I respect how much you care about this country.”
The entire energy shifted. The conversation didn’t suddenly become agreement. But it became human again.
That was a glimmer.
Leadership We Need Now
In times of division, leadership is not about winning arguments. It is about creating space where people can stay in the conversation without destroying the relationship.
That requires something rare today: the courage to slow down along with the willingness to listen. And most importantly, the wisdom to recognize our patterns before they run the show.
As I often tell leaders: “When head, heart, and gut align, clarity replaces chaos.”
That alignment is the essence of GLIMMERS.
The Invitation To A Better Way Of Communicating
The divide we see in our world will not heal through louder voices or sharper debates. It will heal through millions of small moments of awareness. Moments when someone pauses, or when curiosity replaces certainty. It is vital for people to remember there is a human being across the conversation.
Those moments are glimmers.
And glimmers, when noticed and nurtured, can illuminate a new path forward.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: If you want to explore how to recognize patterns and activate the power of head, heart, and gut in leadership and everyday conversations, watch for my upcoming book: GLIMMERS at Work: The New Leadership Operating System for Head, Heart & Gut. I believe the future of leadership, and perhaps our ability to talk with one another, depends on it.
