Summary: Most leadership problems are not caused by a lack of strategy. They are caused by stress. Organizations spend millions teaching communication, conflict resolution, and decision-making skills. Yet when pressure rises, even smart leaders often react in ways that surprise themselves. Why? Because strategy is logical, and stress is biological.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I am super frustrated with some of my staff who are always pointing fingers at each other. It’s a “he did it, she did it, they did it” atmosphere. I have spent a small fortune on both individual and team coaching, and the finger pointing hasn’t stopped. Why?
I see you go down to a deeper level and I want to hear what you have to say about their behavior. Thanks in advance.
Signed,
Annoyed
Why Smart People Sometimes Act So Strangely
Dear Annoyed,
We all know organizations are built around strategy, because strategy creates direction, aligns resources, and helps organizations achieve results. All of this matters: goals, metrics, execution plans, quarterly projections, etc. And like your company, many leaders follow the same assumption that better communication, improved decision-making, conflict management tools, and frameworks will solve their organizational issues.
I teach all of this in my programs. Yet under pressure, it’s not enough. Why? Because strategy is logical, stress is biological, and biology usually wins. Think about you, not your employees, for a moment.
Have you ever left a meeting wondering, “Why did I say that or get so defensive?” You are not alone. When stress rises, the nervous system does not stop and review the latest leadership book. It reacts. And it reacts much faster than conscious thought.
This is not a character flaw. It is how human beings are designed. Long before strategic plans, organizational charts, and performance reviews existed, our nervous systems had one primary assignment: to keep us safe. Read that again. Beneath every workplace interaction, one ancient question is still being asked:
Am I safe?
Not: “Am I productive?”
Not: “Am I collaborative?”
Not: “Am I emotionally intelligent?”
But: “Am I safe?”
This is the oldest question we ask ourselves, and how we respond depends on how we answer it.
Why Meetings Become Emotional
Emotions hit us often when we least expect it:
- A difficult email that targets your work
- An organizational change you don’t expect
- Your work is judged publicly without warning you
Before the thinking brain has fully processed the event, the nervous system has already gone to work. And the first question is always the same as when you were an infant, toddler, teen and adult: safe or unsafe? Opportunity or danger? Predictable or threatening?
Most leaders believe you are responding to what is happening in the present moment. However, that may not be the case. Often, you are responding to what the present moment reminds you of, and that distinction changes everything.
The Real Problem Is Not Intelligence
Over the years, I have watched brilliant leaders become controlling when they value collaboration. I’ve seen thoughtful executives become defensive when they genuinely want openness. Highly capable people suddenly become impatient, withdrawn, or overly certain. They are not bad leaders. They are activated leaders.
Under stress, curiosity narrows. Listening decreases. Certainty feels safer than ambiguity. And familiar patterns become more attractive than new possibilities. In other words, stress pulls us toward what is practiced rather than what is possible.
This is why awareness matters. Without awareness, we mistake reaction for intention. With awareness, we begin asking a different question, “Am I responding to what is happening now? Or am I reacting to something older?” That question creates space. And in that space, leadership becomes possible. Then you become a “Pattern Aware Leader,” or a PAL.
Leadership Is Not About Eliminating Stress
Stress is part of leadership and it always will be. The goal is not to become stress-free, but to recognize when stress is driving the conversation instead of wisdom. To notice when biology has taken the wheel before awareness has entered the room. Because that is the moment something extraordinary becomes possible. That is the moment we move from automatic reaction to conscious choice.
Perhaps the greatest leadership breakthrough isn’t learning a new strategy. Perhaps it is learning to recognize the old patterns that appear when stress takes over. That’s where transformation, and The GLIMMERS Effect™, begins.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. A Question for Reflection: When was the last time you reacted strongly to something that, in hindsight, wasn’t really about the present moment at all? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
